


i'll be your mirror

by drfitzmonster



Series: a place in the sun [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Big Sister Alex Danvers, Butch Housewife AU, Butch Kara Danvers, Established Relationship, F/F, Haircuts, Lesbian Kara Danvers, Lesbian Lena Luthor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 16:59:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13685901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drfitzmonster/pseuds/drfitzmonster
Summary: Kara gets a Very Significant Haircut and is worried about what Lena’s reaction will be.---This fic is sort of a butch!Kara origin story. It takes place several years before the first fic in the Butch Housewife AU series. You don’t have to read the first one to understand this one (but you totally should because it’s fluffy and adorable).





	i'll be your mirror

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to all butches, but especially those who are unable (for whatever reason) to fully express their butchness through their appearance. I love you all, and you are real butches, no matter how you have to dress or style your hair right now.

Kara pulled her hair back and held it behind her head, watching her reflection as she turned her face to the side so she could follow the line of her jaw in the mirror. With her hair back like that it was square, strong, firm. She released her hair and let it fall back down over her shoulders. She sighed as she watched her jawline soften, obscured by her curls.

She pulled her hair back again. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been in the bathroom staring at herself, wearing only a sports bra and boxer briefs (items she’d only very recently incorporated into her collection of undergarments, and that she hadn’t told Lena about), but it seemed like a long time.

She spared a glance at her body. It was fine. She liked her body. It was solid and muscular. It was strong. It could protect people, save people.

But her hair. It was just so...

So...

She didn’t know what it was, but she knew it wasn’t her.

She sighed, planting her palms firmly on the countertop and attempting to stare through herself. She stared so long her mind started to play tricks on her, her features distorting into something monstrous. A jolt of cold dread ran through her and before she realized it she felt her fingertips cracking the tiles on the counter.

“Shit.”

She was Kara Danvers, a normal, human woman. Or at least she was supposed to be. But she didn’t feel like a woman and she certainly didn’t feel like a human. And normal? Not by a long shot.

The only time she ever felt anywhere remotely close was when she was with Lena.

Lena.

She pulled her hair back again. What would Lena think if she went ahead with it? If she cut her hair short like she wanted?

It was just one more thing she’d been keeping from Lena. One more lie. Would Lena be as gracious with this as she was with Kara’s other secrets? Or would it finally be too much?

The uncertainty terrified her, but she’d been dreaming about this for months, ever since she saw the woman who changed everything for her, who shifted her world on its axis.

It would have been an ordinary, mundane moment (a weekday morning stop-off at Noonan’s for coffee and two sticky buns) if not for the woman working the counter. She was new, someone Kara’d never seen before.

The moment Kara saw her there was a spark of familiarity, of sameness, something she took for granted while a child on Krypton, but that had been conspicuously absent since she came to Earth. It hit her like a bolt of lightning. She had no idea a human could make her feel that way.

It wasn’t so much the fact that the tall, broad-shouldered woman had her buzzed particularly short, or that she seemed lacking in all the trappings humans typically associated with womanhood, it was more the way she carried herself. She’d seen women who looked like her before, but there was something unique about this woman in particular.

Or maybe she wasn’t unique at all. Maybe it was a trait they all shared but Kara’d just never noticed before.

The woman was confident and defiant, daring someone to challenge her or object to her presence. She reminded Kara of Supergirl. But this woman had no powers. She wasn’t bulletproof. She couldn’t fly. She was just a human, so fragile and breakable, and yet here she was acting as if she were made of steel.

In that moment Kara knew one thing with frightening clarity: she could no longer live a lie.

Pretending to be a human was burden enough. She had to keep some piece of herself intact.

Besides, if a mere human was brave enough to live as their true self, regardless of what anyone thought, Kara Zor-El, Last Daughter of Krypton, Scion of the House of El, could be as well.

She just had to work up the courage to actually go through with it.

 

* * *

 

Kara lost her nerve the first few times she tried to get her hair cut. She canceled twice, and the third time she made it all the way to the door of the salon before panicking and turning around.

And then one morning she woke up feeling different. She felt ready. She was tired of being so disconnected from the person she saw in the mirror. This time she didn’t back out. She kept her appointment, and when she arrived at the salon she opened the door and went inside, even though her hands were shaking.

Her hair stylist was a short, round woman with tattoos of flowers on her arms and bubblegum pink hair cut in a bob. She was also very kind, and seemed to sense Kara’s nervousness. She asked her what she wanted done, and when Kara stuttered through an explanation and showed her a couple of pictures, unable to meet her gaze, she smiled warmly.

“Have you ever gone this short before?”

“Um, no? Is-is that a problem?”

“Not at all. Why don’t you come with me and I’ll get you shampooed.”

“Shampoo?”

“Yeah, that’s how I start all my cuts. Is that ok?”

Was it ok? This was the first time she’d ever been to a salon. Eliza had always cut her hair under a red sun lamp, and when she moved to National City Alex started cutting it for her at the DEO.

But she’d been too scared to talk to Alex this time. Alex had been tasked with protecting Kara, and a large part of that job was to help her blend in, to appear “normal.” Well, this wasn’t normal, not by human standards.

What if Alex thought it was a bad idea? What if she thought it would draw too much attention to her?

What would Kara do then? She was too afraid of the answer.

And that’s how she found herself in a salon, weak and nauseous from the pilfered lump of kryptonite in her pocket, senses completely overloaded, unable to answer a simple question.

“You don’t need to be nervous, sweetie. I’m going to take good care of you, and I think you’re going to love the new you.”

The new Kara. She certainly hoped she’d love her.

She let herself be led over to a chair that tilted back into a sink with a strange dip in the front, which she soon found out was to cradle the back of her neck. Kara tried not to blush as her hairdresser draped a towel over her shoulders and gently guided her head back into the sink.

The whole process was alarmingly intimate. Paying a stranger to clean your hair and gently massage your scalp and neck was unheard of on Krypton. It was the sort of thing only a close family member or a spouse would do.

It was the sort of thing Lena did. When they bathed together Lena liked to wash Kara’s hair, marveling at how dark it got in the water, how long and beautiful it was.

And now she was about to have it all chopped off.

The thought of Lena’s disappointment was almost enough to send her flying from the salon, hair still soapy with shampoo. But she stayed, gripping the sides of the chair until she heard the metal creaking under her fingers.

She couldn’t go back now. She knew the truth about herself and just the thought of hiding it away again felt like dying.

She gritted her teeth through the rest of the cut, and although the other stylists were all chatting happily with their clients, hers, mercifully, didn’t ask too many questions.

When it was finally over Kara was too antsy and self-conscious to even look at herself. The stylist asked her what she thought she just mumbled that it was great, shoved four twenty-dollar bills into the woman’s hand, and ran...

...directly into an alleyway where she promptly vomited. The kryptonite was really starting to get to her. She needed to get home so she could put it back in its container.

Unfortunately, she was too weak to fly, so she had to hail a cab.

As soon as she got home and deposited the kryptonite in its lead-lined box, she ran to her bathroom and slammed the door shut. She took a deep breath and then looked in the mirror.

A smile grew on her face as she regarded herself. Her hair was perfect. It was exactly what she wanted, what she’d hoped for with every fiber of her being. She looked in the mirror and for the first time since she’d landed on Earth she felt like her real self.

She loved it. It was her. It was Kara. Not Kara playing at being a hero or Kara playing at being a woman. Just Kara.

As soon as she shed her clothes so she could see the total effect of the new hair and the new underwear together she started crying. She was finally seeing herself whole, and not in these fragmented little pieces she was constantly trying to shove together to force herself to make sense.

Now, all of the sudden they just drifted into place, like they’d never been apart.

She was so excited she could not contain her joy. She squealed. She actually squealed. She just felt so giddy, so irrepressible, and she had the sudden urge to take her new self out into the world, just to see how it felt.

She rifled through her closet for the perfect outfit for the new Kara to wear on her very first excursion out in the world. She settled, after much hemming and hawing, on a gray long-sleeve henley, dark jeans, and a pair of red low-top Converse sneakers.

Once dressed, she stood in her bathroom, admiring herself in the mirror. She turned to the side, running her hand down her chest, loving how flat it looked in a sports bra. She wondered idly how she might make it look even flatter.

Kara turned back to the mirror and sighed. This was the point at which she would normally apply her makeup. She pulled open the drawer designated for her cosmetics (Lena had separate drawers set aside for her own vast collection) and stared down at her concealer sticks and eyeliners, blushes and shadows and foundations and lipsticks.

Before she had the chance to second guess herself, she pulled the drawer all the way out and dumped its contents into the trash. The high pitched, almost manic laugh that came out of her was disconcerting, but it just felt so _good_ to get rid of all of that stuff.

Chasing that miraculous feeling of relief, she found her purse (her ugly, awful purse) in the living room, removed anything important, and threw that away too. She may have thrown it just a little too vigorously because it punched a hole right through the bottom of the wastebasket.

Oops. She added it to her list of things to get from the store.

When Kara left the apartment it was sunny and warm. She couldn’t tell if it was the weather or the fact that she felt whole for maybe the first time ever that was making her feel so invigorated, but she didn’t want it to stop, so she opted to walk to the store rather than take the bus.

She noticed that she was drawing more attention than she usually did, but she didn’t mind it, really. The quizzical looks were a bit unsettling at first, but once she realized that people were most likely trying to determine her gender and not whether she was human or not she relaxed.

Some of the women looked at her differently, though. They didn’t look confused, but more... attracted to her? The only woman who looked at her like that was Lena (at least that she’d ever noticed before). But now it seemed like they were all looking at her. It made her stomach flutter just a bit.

When a beautiful woman with a shaved head and long dangly earrings winked at her she almost tripped over her own feet.

Her mood carried all the way until she entered the men’s clothing section of the department store she’d selected for the new Kara’s first clothing purchases. She realized, as she stared at the wall of button-up shirts wrapped in plastic and the slacks with confusing sizes she’d never seen before, that she was out of her depths. She felt foolish for not doing more research ahead of time, and was about to bolt when a saleswoman approached her.

“Can I help you find anything?”

“Oh, um, I think so?” Kara started, coloring slightly. “But I’ve never shopped in this part of the store before...”

“Ah, of course.” The woman nodded. “I understand.”

“You do?”

“Trust me, you’re not the first newbie I’ve helped find men’s clothes.” She smiled brightly. “My name is Jackie, and I’m going to get you fixed up with whatever you need.”

“I’m Kara,” she said, holding out her hand.

“Kara, it’s very nice to meet you.” She took Kara’s hand in both of hers, squeezing it gently and adding a reassuring little pat at the end. “Now, why don’t you tell me what pieces you’re looking for and we can get started.”

“Well... I need pants, and a button-up shirt, and a tie,” she said, counting it out on her fingers. “I need to look nice for my girlfriend. My hair is, um... new. So I was going to make a nice dinner for her, and then get dressed up, and um... hope she likes my new look, I guess.”

“Well, that sounds lovely. Don’t you worry, by the time you’re done here, I’ll have you looking so nice she won’t be able to resist you.”

“Really?”

“I swear it. Now come on, let’s get you some things to try on.”

 

* * *

 

Kara did look nice, once she was finally dressed and dinner was cooked (a little ahead of schedule, maybe, because she’d been too antsy to wait, but that was ok). She had an hour to kill before Lena was supposed to be home, so she sat on the couch and tried to get sucked into some show about fancy houses on HGTV. Opulent dining rooms of the rich and famous didn’t hold her attention for long, however, and her mind drifted to a dark place.

She looked down at herself, at the oxford shirt and tie (that she tied herself, thanks to a YouTube video) she’d been so proud of not 30 minutes before. What if Lena hated it? What if Lena thought it was ugly, thought _she_ was ugly?

What if Lena didn’t like the new Kara? What if she decided Kara was not what she signed up for? What if Lena rejected her?

What if, even worse, she wanted Kara to change back? Kara would do just about anything for Lena. She’d give up her own life to save her. But she couldn’t do that.

Now that she’d looked in the mirror and seen reflected back herself, her real self, and not a stranger or an impostor or a monster, she could never hide that away again. She shuddered at the thought.

What would happen, then, if Lena could not accept her and Kara could not change?

It would be the end. She would lose Lena, and she didn’t know if she could survive something like that. Nor did she think she could contort herself back into the person she’d been before.

Kara started to cry. She shakily pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Alex’s number.

“Alex, I did something bad,” she choked out through tears, “I think I ruined everything.”

“What? Where are you? What happened?”

Kara just sobbed into the phone.

“Hey, it’s ok, try to breathe for me. I’m going to track your phone... You’re at your apartment. Ok, just stay there, Kara. Don’t move. I’ll be right there. Whatever happened, it’ll be ok.”

Kara dropped her phone and pulled her knees up up to her chest. She rocked back and forth slowly, trying to soothe herself until Alex arrived.

Alex burst into the apartment with her gun drawn. “There you are,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief as she reholstered her weapon. “Sorry, you didn’t give me much to go on so I thought I should have my— your hair...”

Alex sat down on the couch next to Kara, who was still crying and hiding her face. “Kara? Is this why you called me? Because you cut your hair? How did you even cut it by yourself?”

“I didn’t. I, um... I went to a salon.”

“What? But how?” Alex’s expression of confusion hardened as it dawned on her. “You stole kryptonite?! Where is it?”

“It’s in a lead box on the counter,” she said, gesturing vaguely toward the kitchen.

“Do you realize how dangerous that was?” Alex threw up her hands. “Imagine what could have happened. You were completely vulnerable! You could have been hurt— or worse! What the hell were you thinking?!”

Kara lifted her head. Her face was tear-stained, her skin splotchy, her eyes rimmed in red. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I’m so sorry. I stole from the DEO and I went behind everyone’s back and Lena’s going to hate me and I’ve ruined everything and I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have done it.”

Alex sighed. “Hey, hey, it’s ok, come here. You didn’t ruin anything.” She pulled Kara into a hug. “You know, you could have come to me. I would have cut your hair.” She moved back, fussing with Kara’s bangs and smiling. “They did a good job though. You look handsome... for a thief.”

Kara winced. “I’m sorry, Alex. I was just scared. I was afraid you were going to tell me it wasn’t a good idea.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re supposed to help me be a normal human.”

“I’m here to keep you from going flying in your pajamas and to teach you how to use idioms correctly, not to keep you from wearing your hair the way you want to.”

“What if Lena hates me?”

“Why would Lena hate you?”

“Because I lied!”

“Lied about what? Honey, she knows you’re gay. You’re dating.”

“No, Alex! You know that’s not what I meant.” She huffed out a breath. “This,” she gestured angrily at herself, pulling on her tie for emphasis. “That I’m really this _way_.”

“Kara,” Alex said gently, “it’s not like you’re a monster. You’re just butch.”

“Is that what I am?”

“Well, is that what you think you are?”

“I don’t know,” Kara said, letting out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t even know what that means.”

“I think it means something different to everybody. It’s a very personal thing, you know? And it’s not like you have to pick a label if you don’t want to, or if it doesn’t feel right.”

“I don’t?” Kara was beginning to think she’d never understand humans.

“No, of course not.”

“Did you pick one?”

“Yeah, Kara. I’m butch.”

“But how did you know?”

“I just... knew. After I came out and actually started hanging out with other lesbians, I found women who were like me. I felt this connection to them. It’s kind of hard to describe.”

“Like you recognized yourself in someone else.” Kara understood that, at least. She’d felt it when she saw the woman at the coffee shop.

“Yeah, totally. And I finally started to make sense. Butch just fits. It’s who I am, and accepting the truth about myself is the best decision I’ve ever made. And if the truth happens to be that I’m butch lesbian who has to plan her wardrobe around a thigh holster, then so be it.”

Alex laughed and patted the gun that was currently strapped to her leg. “When I dress this way, I feel strong. Like whatever might happen, I’m ready for it. I can save people’s lives. I can protect them. I can protect _you_.”

“Alex...” Kara said, sniffling, voice thick in her throat.

“Don’t start crying. If you cry then I’ll cry, and you know I hate crying.”

Kara cried anyway, and so did Alex. After they both settled down Alex brushed the tears from Kara’s face, laughing.

“You haven’t even heard the best part of all this: all the gay women who’ll start flirting with you. Ladies love a dapper butch.”

“Oh, um, yeah...” Kara grinned and ducked her head. “I kind of noticed.”

Alex laughed. “I’m actually shocked. How long was Lena dropping hints before you finally caught on?”

“Hey!” Kara nudged Alex with her elbow. “I’m much better at recognizing the signs now.”

Alex laughed again, louder, fuller than before. “‘Recognizing the signs’? Really? Flirting isn’t a disease.”

Kara frowned. “You know what I mean.” She glanced at her watch and groaned. “It’s only 6:30. Lena’s never going to get home.”

“She’ll be home before you know it.” Alex said, leaning forward to give Kara another hug. “I’ve got to get back to work now, but you’re going to be fine.” She squeezed Kara’s shoulders firmly. “Lena loves you. A haircut isn’t going to change that. You’re still Kara, and that’s all that matters to her.”

Kara opened her mouth to protest but Alex interrupted her.

“No. I’m right, and you can text me later to tell me so and apologize for ever doubting me.”

 

* * *

 

Lena finally did come home, twenty-three agonizing minutes later than she said she’d be, absentmindedly digging through her purse as she walked through the door. “Oh, wow, whatever you’re cooking smells amazing, but I thought it was my turn to—” and then she looked up to see Kara, with her short hair and her button-up shirt and tie, twisting her hands together nervously.

“Before you say anything, let me explain.”

“Kara—”

She held up her hands, making Lena stop in her tracks.

“No, please, just... I need to say this.” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, wet her lips and cleared her throat. “I’ve had these... feelings for a long time. Like I’m not myself. Like I look in mirror, and I don’t see me. I see... someone else, some twisted version of myself, but she’s not me. She’s not _me_ ,” Kara said, jabbing her index finger into her chest.

“It’s hard for me to explain. I don’t know the right words. I just know I can’t live like that anymore. I already have to pretend I’m human, and it’s _so hard_ sometimes. I just... I can’t keep everything hidden anymore. It’s killing me. And it scares me because I know that this,” Kara gestured at herself, “isn’t the girl you signed up for. But I have to be me, even if it means—” her voice cracked, “losing you.”

Lena’s face looked pained, sad. Kara wasn’t sure what to make of it. But she’d run out of things to say and now all she could do was wait for Lena.

“Is it ok if I come closer now?” At Kara’s small nod Lena approached her. She reached forward and straightened Kara’s tie, moved her hands over her shoulders and down her arms until she was holding Kara’s hands.

“You’re exactly the kind of girl I signed up for.” Lena picked up Kara’s right hand, then her left, kissing her knuckles. “Do you remember that night right after my mom got arrested? You showed up at my office with dinner and I’d been crying, so you shoved all those potstickers in your mouth to try and make me laugh?”

Kara nodded, the corners of her lips turning up in a shy smile. “Yeah, I remember.”

“You had your hair pulled back, and you were wearing that dark blue dress shirt and trousers.” Lena laughed lightly, a blush creeping into her cheeks. “I remember thinking how handsome you looked. You took my breath away. That’s when I knew I was in deep.” Lena placed both of Kara’s hands on her own hips, coaxing her to pull Lena into an embrace.

Kara happily obliged, wrapping her arms around Lena’s waist. “Really?”

“Yep,” Lena said, arching an eyebrow. “I looked at you, with your cheeks full of food and soy sauce dripping down your chin, and I said to myself, _I’m going to marry that gay nerd someday_.”

“You did not.” Kara grinned.

“I did.”

“You really wanted to marry me?”

“I still do.”

“Even though—”

“Even though nothing, Kara. I love you, the real you. I always have... and I always will.” Lena looked down into her purse, still slung over her shoulder, and pulled out a black ring box. She held it between them, her hand trembling slightly. “I’ve been carrying this around for months, waiting for the right time.”

Kara was stunned silent. She’d imagined so many different ways the conversation could have gone, but this was definitely not one of them.

Lena slipped out of her arms and got down on one knee, flipping open the box and holding it up. “Kara Zor-El, will you marry me?”

Kara dropped to her knees with a heavy thud. She was too overwhelmed to speak so she just nodded. She was finally able to get out a ragged, “yes,” as Lena took her left hand and slid the ring on her finger.

The band was silver in color, and it twisted near the stone like a mobius strip, revealing a lighter colored metal on the underside. The stone itself was iridescent, changing color as different facets caught the light. Kara watched it as she shifted her hand this way and that. It was mesmerizing.

“I hope you like it,” Lena said, taking Kara’s left hand. “I melted down a piece of the hull of your pod to make the ring, and the stone is from a Kryptonian meteorite.”

Kryptonian? Kara’s head popped up. “Wait does that mean—”

“Don’t worry. It’s completely inert and harmless. Alex and I ran a full battery of tests to make sure. And then we ran them again. And then J’onn told us to stop.”

Kara felt her throat hitch. Of course they would go overboard to make sure the stone was safe. Kara could just imagine J’onn lecturing them on “being good stewards of DEO resources” and “setting a good example for the other agents.” She laughed. “I don’t even know what to say...”

“Don’t say anything yet.” Lena slipped the ring off Kara’s finger and handed it to her. “I engraved the inside.”

“What?” Kara held the ring carefully between her thumb and forefinger. When she saw her house crest and motto, next to their names written in Kryptonian glyphs, she burst into tears. “How?”

“J’onn helped me. I did all the engraving myself, of course.”

“Of course.” Kara put the ring back on her finger and stared into the stone. It was so beautiful. She looked up at Lena. How was this her life? How was she this lucky? “Can I kiss you?”

“Darling, I’ve told you before, you’re much to polite sometimes,” she said, pulling Kara closer by her tie.

The kiss was soft at first. Lena tasted like tears and coffee and just... Lena. She tasted like home, like familiarity and warmth and everything she’d ever hoped she’d have but never thought she actually would.

As Kara deepened their kiss, she felt a sob growing in her chest. She was just so overwhelmed and overjoyed and she couldn’t help it. She pulled back from Lena to let it out.

“I just can’t believe it.” Kara said, wiping tears from her eyes.

“You’d better start believing,” Lena arched an eyebrow, “because now we have a wedding to plan.”

“Oh gosh, that’s right! How do you plan a wedding?”

“I don’t know, but don’t worry. Jess helped plan both her sisters’ weddings and I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to find out we’re finally engaged.”

Kara gasped. “I need to text Alex! I don’t want her to be worried.”

“Why would she be worried?”

“Oh... I kind of freaked out right before you got home so I called her and she came over.”

“My poor, precious alien.” Lena brought their foreheads together gently. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry you were scared. But I see you, Kara, even when you can’t see yourself. Do you believe me?”

Kara nodded against Lena’s forehead.

“Good. Now pick me up off of this floor. It’s killing my knee.”

Kara did, and while still holding her up had Lena take a selfie of them, ring prominently displayed, which Kara immediately sent to her sister.

[Kara]: guess which butch now has to plan her wardrobe around an ENGAGEMENT RING

[Kara]: THIS ONE!!!!!!!!

[Kara]: oh

[Kara]: and also

[Kara]: you were right and i’m sorry for ever doubting you

**Author's Note:**

> I did not intend for this to turn into a proposal fic. It just happened. It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle, I suppose.
> 
> The fic is titled after a lovely song by [The Velvet Underground and Nico](https://youtu.be/WXETLPCogao).
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr ([@drfitzmonster](http://drfitzmonster.tumblr.com)) and you are more than welcome to drop by my inbox and yell your supercorp or butch!Kara feelings at me. Also feel free to send me any prompts or things you’d like to see in this series either in the comments here, or on tumblr.


End file.
